There is a kind of people seem to be born not to love, no ability to love, what is the reason?


They are not incapable of love, but too inferior.They are not “loveless” in the traditional sense;On the contrary, deep down in their hearts, they are looking forward to love.But the subconscious succeeded in splitting them into “two selves” : one who craved love and the other who feared it.I’ll just call it avoidant lack of love.First, “avoidance lack of love” what is the difference?Normal type lack love, overcompensate for love: whether the person is your type or not, as long as you treat yourself well and approach yourself in the name of “love,” it’s worth a try.It smacks of desperation.However, “avoidant lack of love” is more affected by its own inferiority, and adopt the means of “rejection and fear” to external benefits, in order to push others away by hand, to reduce their own inner anxiety.Avoidant people who lack love often have an attachment style that may be “disordered dependence,” a desire for intimacy and a fear of it.In your description, you say you “don’t yearn for family, don’t yearn for children,” and use that to doubt your ability to love.But these traits don’t depend on, or even have anything to do with, being a lover.Girls who yearn for family and children are not necessarily good at love.Maybe she just craves stability, the satisfaction of having a family.But girls who are not eager for family and children are not necessarily incapable of love either.Maybe you just don’t have enough love to fill your heart, or maybe you don’t have enough security and love to move forward.It always seems that you don’t need love, but only you know it. You are just afraid of the trouble it will bring.It makes you anxious, it makes you worry about gains and losses, it makes you doubt yourself.It’s hard to be comfortable in a relationship, and you’re bound to be guided by your partner’s emotions.Therefore, you often use “no” to avoid the above situation.When it looks like you’re giving up, you’re passively accepting your anxiety.2. Lack of confidence, lack of trust in intimate relationships, and good at self-deprecation.When a relationship has not yet started, they have already exhausted their enthusiasm.It’s almost extreme. Even if the other person doesn’t show any negative feelings about you, you will continue to push yourself down as the relationship progresses, activating your “self-protection mechanism” in time to scare yourself into leaving before it hurts.3, you miss the attention of the people you personally pushed away, but these people in your life is always remembered.You don’t really care: every little kindness, compliment, or effort someone gives you leaves you dwelling on it and wondering what could have been if you hadn’t said no.There will be times when you will regret your decision and wonder if you will be brave next time — but more often than not, you will not be able to break through.When the next opportunity comes along, still back off.4, never retention, extremely passive for interpersonal relationships, you rarely take the initiative to promote the relationship or take the initiative to retain.Not because I feel that this relationship is not important, but that since the other party agreed to leave you, that he has no status, then retain is also humble self moved.You may seem cool in relationships, but you’re rarely stuck in a relationship for long.The ruthless than anyone else when the ruthless, but only you know: this is just a escape.The best way to deal with that unwanted self.5. It’s easy to rely on Others Deep down, you’re still the loveless at her core: you’re prone to expectations and fantasies about relationships.Therefore, when someone gives you a little benefit, you are easy to rely on them.Of course, avoidant lovers don’t express their needs easily. This dependence is only known to you, and will often be strangled at the beginning, pretending nothing has happened or even acting coldly in response.But in fact, you are not completely indifferent.You might even say that you’re already craving a response.Avoidant lovers struggle more than normal lovers: they need love, but delude themselves into pretending “they don’t need it” because of high self-esteem and fear of being hurt.Two, how to improve the “avoidance lack of love”?Assure me again: you are not incapable of love, you just dare not love.Having established this knowledge makes it much easier to change.The first step is called: Use the facts to decide what to do.When you’re in a relationship, it’s never objective facts that define its course. It’s your assumptions.You think you’re not good enough and assume the other person won’t like you.You feel unworthy and assume that the other person will dislike you.So you decide to quit.But in fact, you’re not picking up any of the signals that the other person is actively trying to back down;Chances are the other person is still intent on developing a relationship with you — but upon receiving your sudden withdrawal, he can only assume that you’re unilaterally giving up.Most people will choose to respect you.He thinks you dumped him, and you think he didn’t like you enough because he didn’t ask you back.So, the next time you’re ready to give up, make sure the other person is really sending you some negative signals, and not just listening to your own assumptions and fear.Step two is called: Positive Self-talk Are you really worse than most people?Not really.But in the lead-up to every relationship, you feel like you’re “not good enough to be loved.” These negative self-statements drain your relationship’s energy and make you less interested in anyone — after all, you’ve already decided that no matter how hard you try, you can’t be loved.Here the law of Unworthiness comes into play: what is not worth doing is not worth doing well.You’re too lazy to gain an edge, to assert yourself, and to take the next step in your relationship.Watch opportunity after opportunity pass, and then put yourself on the “can’t fall in love” defect.The third step is called “Personal Value Enhancement”. The best way for a person with low self-esteem to get rid of low self-esteem is to dramatically improve their objective condition.Such as becoming beautiful and thin, becoming rich and powerful — these objective conditions can significantly change the attitude of people around you, and you can easily gain confidence from these changes.The simplest truth: the boy can be right beautiful girl reluctant to return, spread out pursuit.When someone you don’t really hate is after you and has you doing your best, are you going to hold yourself back because you’re not “good enough”?So, girl, the source of your so-called “inability to love” has never been an inability to love, you just don’t love and trust yourself enough, that’s all.I am shen Shen, national second-level psychological consultant, translator of the book “Non-violent Communication between Genders”, member of Dalian Psychological Association, 34 years old, married and with children, I would like to share my own attitude with you.

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